So when trying to explain my dad I guess the quickest way to do it is....do you remember "going postal" from the early to mid 90's? The description of the the guys going postal; Vietnam vets working at the post office, short temper, pretty violent, loves the sauce...that's my dad.
My brothers and I spent our childhood helping my dad act out his flashbacks, I know how to take a knife from a guy and break his arm at the same time just like my dad did. One Christmas my mom let my dad do all of the shopping, we got boxing gloves and toy guns only. My dad's theory on life has always been if it frighten or confuses you beat it up.......but that will come into play later. First some stories;
My dad has a passion for doing yard work 1-3am in the morning, needless to say this invites all of smart ass comments from teenagers, especially when two of your biggest hobbies are sweeping the sidewalks and hosing them down. We live right next to a main bridge that has a lot of traffic so people are always driving by. So one night my dad is hosing down the side walk and some kids in a truck drive by and yell "Hey Gerard", my dad proceeds to throw a trash can at the truck and then run up to it while they were stopped for the red light and punch the window until the kids just ran the red light.
A few summers ago this guy was driving his motorcycle by our house real late every night and before he would get to the light he would down shift and rev his engine way up. So needless to say it was pretty loud. My dad decided it would be a good idea to wait behind our tree with a 4x4, when the guy drove by my dad stepped out around the tree and humchucked the 4x4 at him. The guy stopped his bike and shouted "hey man you could have killed me", my dad responded "you're god damn right I could have", the guy has never driven by again.
My dad used to coach the baseball all star teams and the first practice of every year he would huddles us up and say "you can all play baseball, now I am going to teach you how to play dirty". He would proceed to teach us how to break up double plays, how to throw at a guys face if he was moving when you trying to turn a dp and basically anyway you could hurt someone during the course of a baseball game.
Okay, so now we have established my dad is not scarred to resort to violence, so here we go. The house my mom grew up was apparently haunted; my mom, her mom, and her sisters all have ghost stories. My dad never believed in the ghost. One day he was doing laundry at my grandmother's house and suddenly he saw an old woman sitting on the arm of the chair. He asked in not so polite words what she doing there, she didn't respond, so he basically listen either talk or I am going to start swinging. The old woman still didn't say anything so he tried to punch right through her face (like he always taught us), but amazingly enough he did punch right throw her face. It turns out he saw Mrs. Peacock the woman who haunted my mom's house. My dad went straight home with his wet laundry.
My dad still claims there is no such thing as ghosts and when you ask him about the time at my mom's he just says he has no idea what that old ladies problem was. The Mrs. Peacock incident was about 30ish years ago. Now my mom and my dad live in the house where my brothers and I grew up. Now everyone in my house has seen this little girl ghost except for me and until recently my dad. The weirdest part is now ever told anyone else about the girl until one day my brother mentioned it and my mom and other brother described what she looked like before my brother finished, so I suppose if you believe in ghosts there is some legitimacy.
My dad is losing his mind more then ever before, pretty much it takes him 5 tries before he gets me or any of my brother's names right and there is only 3 of us. He is convinced that the Japanese have "robucks" (how he says robot with his teeth out), that walk and talk twice as fast as humans and they will take over the world. He has lots of very strange yet comical theories.
So a few nights he is walking around the house with flashlight at quarter to 3 trying to wake up my dog to get him to search the house with him. His exact words, "Jake wake up, everyone else in the house can see that little girl except for you, you stupid dog". My dog doesn't wake up for anyone especially my dad but as near as we can figure my dad wanted to show my dog the ghost, my dad proceeded to wander around the house with the flashlight until the sun came out.
Well that was a pretty long story but it is late and my stream of consciousness is taking over.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My "J" problem
I am writing this entry hoping that maybe someone out there could help me. I guess I have had this problem my entire life but it has definitely gotten worse over the last 10 years or so and it is to the point where it is worrying me.
I guess I just start from the beginning. My very first girlfriend's name was Jessica. In Elementary School I was what the french refer to as a "Super Stud", I had some real dirty cabbage and basically had my pick of the liter when it came to the playground honeys. I kissed a few different girls and whatever little kids do but the only girl I would ever call my girlfriend was an older girl named Jessica.
Middle school was a bit of a drought, I was still rockin' windpants everyday and apparently that wasn't cool; but they were sweet windpants. I did, okay, a few random make out sessions but no girlfriends, which was fine, I was really concentrating on my hockey career at that point.
Then the high school years. I bought a few pair of jeans and the ladies started to come back around. In 4 years I had plenty of hook ups but the only girl I went out; "Johnna".
College; that's where it really became noticeable. I am not going to beat around the bush here I fall in love at least 3 times a week. I started wearing windpants and sweats like I used to in Elementary school and the ladies jumped back on board. The beginning of my freshman year was super bad, I had a few "lay ups" I was working with; Jen, Jenny, Johnna, Joan, Jesse, Jenna, Jackie. There were a few other girls over the next 4 years (4+1=5 years of college), but if they didn't have a "J" it was nothing more then a one time thing. The only girlfriend I had over my five years of college, Jenna.
It started to get even worse in last couple of years. Whenever the weather wasn't, rainy, snowy, too cold, too hot, too dark, or too windy and I could actually make it to a class I would always try to sit next to a cute girl because I had developed a genius way to pick them up. Note passing. It is pretty simple, you sit down next to a girl open a notebook wait for about five minutes then write in your notebook "what is this guy talking about?" and slide the whole notebook over. This is usually followed by a giggle and the writing of something back. The next couple of notes should be picking on the teacher usually for a funny mannerism, or weird clothing just anything to keep the girl entertained. After a few notes you are money chuch.
So back to my problem. All of the girls I started picking were "J" names, and believe me it was completely accidental. I never went to the first two weeks of class because I realized you could just say your schedule was messed up and the teacher would forgive you. So I never knew any one's name. I would find a cute girl and sit down next to her, eventually to find out their name was Joan, Joanne, Jen, Jenny, Jenna, Jesse, Jessica, Jess, Johnna, Jackie, Jacinta, or some variation of a name beginning with J. Of course I saw other hot little bitties but I would see them and before I even learned their name I would find some flaw like, big ears or a mustache if she turned just right or something that would keep me from falling in love, but without fail whenever I scoped a totally bangin b-rod with no identifiable flaws I would decide to make her my pretend girlfriend and start planning our lives together, then the teacher would call on them........always a J name.
This freaked me out so much I dropped a few of my classes because I would get the wheels spinning and say "I am Ray" and offer a handshake; "my name is Jess" is what I would get back. Realizing I had some sick twisted problem I couldn't deal with I stood up and left class on two seperate occassions, never to return.
Right now I am purposely out to avoid "J"''s which is why I probably cannot find any girls I like. The problem is, even the girls I think I could eventually convince myself into liking will not give me the time of day, the only girls who seem to give into my rugged good looks and boyish charm are the "J" names, I do not know if they are out to get me or what the deal is but any help anyone could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Insanely yours,
Clown Shoes
I guess I just start from the beginning. My very first girlfriend's name was Jessica. In Elementary School I was what the french refer to as a "Super Stud", I had some real dirty cabbage and basically had my pick of the liter when it came to the playground honeys. I kissed a few different girls and whatever little kids do but the only girl I would ever call my girlfriend was an older girl named Jessica.
Middle school was a bit of a drought, I was still rockin' windpants everyday and apparently that wasn't cool; but they were sweet windpants. I did, okay, a few random make out sessions but no girlfriends, which was fine, I was really concentrating on my hockey career at that point.
Then the high school years. I bought a few pair of jeans and the ladies started to come back around. In 4 years I had plenty of hook ups but the only girl I went out; "Johnna".
College; that's where it really became noticeable. I am not going to beat around the bush here I fall in love at least 3 times a week. I started wearing windpants and sweats like I used to in Elementary school and the ladies jumped back on board. The beginning of my freshman year was super bad, I had a few "lay ups" I was working with; Jen, Jenny, Johnna, Joan, Jesse, Jenna, Jackie. There were a few other girls over the next 4 years (4+1=5 years of college), but if they didn't have a "J" it was nothing more then a one time thing. The only girlfriend I had over my five years of college, Jenna.
It started to get even worse in last couple of years. Whenever the weather wasn't, rainy, snowy, too cold, too hot, too dark, or too windy and I could actually make it to a class I would always try to sit next to a cute girl because I had developed a genius way to pick them up. Note passing. It is pretty simple, you sit down next to a girl open a notebook wait for about five minutes then write in your notebook "what is this guy talking about?" and slide the whole notebook over. This is usually followed by a giggle and the writing of something back. The next couple of notes should be picking on the teacher usually for a funny mannerism, or weird clothing just anything to keep the girl entertained. After a few notes you are money chuch.
So back to my problem. All of the girls I started picking were "J" names, and believe me it was completely accidental. I never went to the first two weeks of class because I realized you could just say your schedule was messed up and the teacher would forgive you. So I never knew any one's name. I would find a cute girl and sit down next to her, eventually to find out their name was Joan, Joanne, Jen, Jenny, Jenna, Jesse, Jessica, Jess, Johnna, Jackie, Jacinta, or some variation of a name beginning with J. Of course I saw other hot little bitties but I would see them and before I even learned their name I would find some flaw like, big ears or a mustache if she turned just right or something that would keep me from falling in love, but without fail whenever I scoped a totally bangin b-rod with no identifiable flaws I would decide to make her my pretend girlfriend and start planning our lives together, then the teacher would call on them........always a J name.
This freaked me out so much I dropped a few of my classes because I would get the wheels spinning and say "I am Ray" and offer a handshake; "my name is Jess" is what I would get back. Realizing I had some sick twisted problem I couldn't deal with I stood up and left class on two seperate occassions, never to return.
Right now I am purposely out to avoid "J"''s which is why I probably cannot find any girls I like. The problem is, even the girls I think I could eventually convince myself into liking will not give me the time of day, the only girls who seem to give into my rugged good looks and boyish charm are the "J" names, I do not know if they are out to get me or what the deal is but any help anyone could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Insanely yours,
Clown Shoes
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Power Interviewing Cont.
A very important part of Power Interviewing is lame jokes.
Like pretty much every other aspect of Power Interviewing lame jokes show confidence. The fact that they are also lame lets the interview feel like they are smarter then you. This is important because they think they are going to be your boss, and much like your girlfriend your boss wants to feel superior.
Here are some examples of the lame jokes I have used;
Interviewer: "So what do you think your greatest strength is?"
Me: "Well I have improved my bench press a lot but I am still a squat man"
Interviewer: (clearly confused by a workout joke) "Ummmmm", (you could actually see it click) "Ohh hahaha".
After this she stopped asking questions and showed me around the office and asked if I could start Monday.
Example 2 (This is from the job I actually took selling used cars, I was interviewed by 8 people at the same time in a conference room. I was 20 minutes late for this interview and asked for Pierre when apparently the guys name was Paul.);
Interviewer: "Do you have any bad habits?"
Me: "What do you mean like chewing my finger nails?"
Interviewer: "No like drinking or drugs"
Me: "No I can stop whenever I want"
Interviewer: "Drugs or drinking?"
Me: "Drugs, I don't drink.....why are you buying?"
All Interviewers: "Hahaha, (used car salesmen laughter, used car salesman jokes)
Interviewer: "So any questions for us?"
Me: "How are you gonna pay me?"
Interviewer: "What do you know about cars?"
Me: "When I said Hello I told you everything I know about cars"
Interviewer: "What do you know about selling?"
Me: "As much as I know about cars"
Interviewer: "Can you start tomorrow?"
I was really trying to bomb this interview, it was one of my first ones so I just wanted to see what they were like. Eventually they finally fired me which was something I wanted to happen because I didn't like trying to rip people off, but that's a few more good stories.
Slater
Like pretty much every other aspect of Power Interviewing lame jokes show confidence. The fact that they are also lame lets the interview feel like they are smarter then you. This is important because they think they are going to be your boss, and much like your girlfriend your boss wants to feel superior.
Here are some examples of the lame jokes I have used;
Interviewer: "So what do you think your greatest strength is?"
Me: "Well I have improved my bench press a lot but I am still a squat man"
Interviewer: (clearly confused by a workout joke) "Ummmmm", (you could actually see it click) "Ohh hahaha".
After this she stopped asking questions and showed me around the office and asked if I could start Monday.
Example 2 (This is from the job I actually took selling used cars, I was interviewed by 8 people at the same time in a conference room. I was 20 minutes late for this interview and asked for Pierre when apparently the guys name was Paul.);
Interviewer: "Do you have any bad habits?"
Me: "What do you mean like chewing my finger nails?"
Interviewer: "No like drinking or drugs"
Me: "No I can stop whenever I want"
Interviewer: "Drugs or drinking?"
Me: "Drugs, I don't drink.....why are you buying?"
All Interviewers: "Hahaha, (used car salesmen laughter, used car salesman jokes)
Interviewer: "So any questions for us?"
Me: "How are you gonna pay me?"
Interviewer: "What do you know about cars?"
Me: "When I said Hello I told you everything I know about cars"
Interviewer: "What do you know about selling?"
Me: "As much as I know about cars"
Interviewer: "Can you start tomorrow?"
I was really trying to bomb this interview, it was one of my first ones so I just wanted to see what they were like. Eventually they finally fired me which was something I wanted to happen because I didn't like trying to rip people off, but that's a few more good stories.
Slater
Monday, May 19, 2008
Power Interviewing
I have been unemployed for a few weeks now and if there is one thing I have noticed it is that I really like interviewing. So far I have been offered every job I have interviewed for, unfortunately they are not really jobs that I care to take at this point. Some of the interviews have been for; personal financial advisor (rip off), electronic sales (I think I am done with sales), management trainee (who wants to work 49 hours a week), some various telephone sales jobs, and of course my most recently held job...used cars.
Let me give you a few tips from my Power Interviewing.
First, never ever be on time. For my first interview I was ten minutes late, since then I have been at least 20-30 minutes late for all of my interviews. Being late to an interview shows that you are confident and do not let stress get you. Sometimes if I am running in the 30 minutes late range I will call ahead, this shows that you are responsible.
Second, try as hard as you can to use names of the people you met in the office, even if you aren't good with names. For one interview I showed up and asked the receptionist for "Pierre" it turns out the guy's name was "Paul" but that did not stop me from calling him "Pierre" the rest of the interview. He actually only corrected me the first time and then just let it slide from there. At another interview the conversation went a bit like this;
Me: "Yeah so I don't know how Mark runs things"
Interviewer: "Actually I am Mark"
Me: "Ohh I mean Dave"
Interviewer: "?"
Me: "Todd?"
Interviewer: "?"
Me: "?"
Me: "So anyway I was talking to Sharon on my way in..."
Interviewer: "Ohh you mean Shelly"
Me: "Totally"
This type of conversation shows that you go out of your way to make new friends in the workplace, potential employers love it.
Third, always dress like you own the place. I always wear a suit and a tie, no matter what the position. It is also key to accessories, I always wear sunglasses (some Donald Trumps I picked up at TJMaxx, super classy, and big). And perhaps the most important thing you could do; always carry a brief case or attache case, I prefer the attache I think it looks more modern. You don't need to carry anything in here it is just for looks. I only carry protein bars and a few copy's of my resume. The resume is just because I am lazy, whenever they hand me anything to fill out I just hand them a resume, I bought some expensive paper I might as well. Having the attache case and the killer suit makes it look like you are big wheel, this is the vibe you want to give off. Everyone wants to hire a big wheel.
Fourth, If they sit you close enough to their desk you should pick up things and play with them. If they sit you too far away to reach anything you should look around the office and find something to talk about. It is okay to get up and walk around, no one wants to be stared at while they are talking, that is creepy.
Fifth, If they ask you questions you don't know how to answer let them answer. Example;
Interviewer: "What type of experience do you have that makes you think you would fit into this company?"
Me: "I guess I don't know what you are looking for"
Interviewer: "Well it says here you have some experience in sales and managing several people, I think that would really help you as a sales manager"
Me: "Totally"
Finally be confident with your answers. The easiest way to do this is not to worry about what questions they ask and just talk about what you feel like talking about. Here is an example;
Interviewer: "How would you handle an angry customer?"
Me: "I don't understand why you would ask a questions like that? I guess I don't know what answer you are looking for?"
Interviewer: "Well it is just a question to see how you handle stress and pressure"
Me: "Ohh, I am fine with that stuff. Back when I was playing hockey I used to give interviews naked after the game....Is that your dog?"
We went on to talk about dogs while she walked me around the office and asked if I could start on Monday.
So basically the key to any job interviews is to act like you already own the place; show up late, dress killer, the attache case, only answers questions you feel like answering, always use names of people you just met even if they are wrong, and be confident with everything.
This reminds me, I have question for any of my readers. How long do you wait to CreepBook a really hot lady who interviewed on you? I was thinking a couple of days? ...I hope that is too long because I already creeped her.
Keep it sleazy
Let me give you a few tips from my Power Interviewing.
First, never ever be on time. For my first interview I was ten minutes late, since then I have been at least 20-30 minutes late for all of my interviews. Being late to an interview shows that you are confident and do not let stress get you. Sometimes if I am running in the 30 minutes late range I will call ahead, this shows that you are responsible.
Second, try as hard as you can to use names of the people you met in the office, even if you aren't good with names. For one interview I showed up and asked the receptionist for "Pierre" it turns out the guy's name was "Paul" but that did not stop me from calling him "Pierre" the rest of the interview. He actually only corrected me the first time and then just let it slide from there. At another interview the conversation went a bit like this;
Me: "Yeah so I don't know how Mark runs things"
Interviewer: "Actually I am Mark"
Me: "Ohh I mean Dave"
Interviewer: "?"
Me: "Todd?"
Interviewer: "?"
Me: "?"
Me: "So anyway I was talking to Sharon on my way in..."
Interviewer: "Ohh you mean Shelly"
Me: "Totally"
This type of conversation shows that you go out of your way to make new friends in the workplace, potential employers love it.
Third, always dress like you own the place. I always wear a suit and a tie, no matter what the position. It is also key to accessories, I always wear sunglasses (some Donald Trumps I picked up at TJMaxx, super classy, and big). And perhaps the most important thing you could do; always carry a brief case or attache case, I prefer the attache I think it looks more modern. You don't need to carry anything in here it is just for looks. I only carry protein bars and a few copy's of my resume. The resume is just because I am lazy, whenever they hand me anything to fill out I just hand them a resume, I bought some expensive paper I might as well. Having the attache case and the killer suit makes it look like you are big wheel, this is the vibe you want to give off. Everyone wants to hire a big wheel.
Fourth, If they sit you close enough to their desk you should pick up things and play with them. If they sit you too far away to reach anything you should look around the office and find something to talk about. It is okay to get up and walk around, no one wants to be stared at while they are talking, that is creepy.
Fifth, If they ask you questions you don't know how to answer let them answer. Example;
Interviewer: "What type of experience do you have that makes you think you would fit into this company?"
Me: "I guess I don't know what you are looking for"
Interviewer: "Well it says here you have some experience in sales and managing several people, I think that would really help you as a sales manager"
Me: "Totally"
Finally be confident with your answers. The easiest way to do this is not to worry about what questions they ask and just talk about what you feel like talking about. Here is an example;
Interviewer: "How would you handle an angry customer?"
Me: "I don't understand why you would ask a questions like that? I guess I don't know what answer you are looking for?"
Interviewer: "Well it is just a question to see how you handle stress and pressure"
Me: "Ohh, I am fine with that stuff. Back when I was playing hockey I used to give interviews naked after the game....Is that your dog?"
We went on to talk about dogs while she walked me around the office and asked if I could start on Monday.
So basically the key to any job interviews is to act like you already own the place; show up late, dress killer, the attache case, only answers questions you feel like answering, always use names of people you just met even if they are wrong, and be confident with everything.
This reminds me, I have question for any of my readers. How long do you wait to CreepBook a really hot lady who interviewed on you? I was thinking a couple of days? ...I hope that is too long because I already creeped her.
Keep it sleazy
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The Beginning
So a few of my friends thought it would be a good idea if I started a blog of my life. It turns out no matter what I try to do with my life it some how turns into sitcom material, I wish it wasn't that way but I suppose things are funnier this way.
Everything I write will be true, I will not exaggerate or fabricate any stories.
Let's just jump right into some background information.
Well I am currently 25 years old and as of right now unemployed, I was recently fired from selling used cars because I was "to honest and trying to hard to find people the right vehicles", apparently these are not good traits for a used car salesman. In my defense I was trying not to be hired during the interview and I was only hired because they thought I was famous because I used to play professional hockey.
I live with my two roommates (parents) and my two younger brothers just moved back home for the summer.
When I first thought of this blog idea the plan was to tape record my daily conversations, especially while I was trying "not" to sell cars but I believe it will be more a combination of stories from my past and present with the occasional recording thrown in.
Keep it real until next time.
Everything I write will be true, I will not exaggerate or fabricate any stories.
Let's just jump right into some background information.
Well I am currently 25 years old and as of right now unemployed, I was recently fired from selling used cars because I was "to honest and trying to hard to find people the right vehicles", apparently these are not good traits for a used car salesman. In my defense I was trying not to be hired during the interview and I was only hired because they thought I was famous because I used to play professional hockey.
I live with my two roommates (parents) and my two younger brothers just moved back home for the summer.
When I first thought of this blog idea the plan was to tape record my daily conversations, especially while I was trying "not" to sell cars but I believe it will be more a combination of stories from my past and present with the occasional recording thrown in.
Keep it real until next time.
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